Funniest “Clean” Joke Contest

[nebula]

Lurker posting for the first time. I love jokes

Here's one of my favorites:

There was a guy walking home late one night. He decided to take a short cut through the woods. It was pitch dark, with only the full moon to provide light, and he was getting spooked. Suddenly, he heard a noise behind him... BUMP... BUMP... CLACKITY-CLACK.... he looked behind him, and there was a casket on it's end following him!!

Well, now the guy was really terrified. He broke into a run, and as soon as he did, the casket went faster... BUMP BUMP BUMP CLACKITYCLACKITYCLACK! Now the man was truly scared for his life. He finally reached his house, fumbled with his keys, and managed to get inside and lock the door. But just when he thought he was safe, the casket burst through the door! The man ran up the stairs, all the while the casket following him. BUMPBUMPBUMP!! CLACKITY CLACK!!

He raced into the first room he got to, the bathroom. He locked the door, but it was no use. CRASH!! The casket broke through the door, bearing in on him! In one last fit of desperation, he reached into his medicine cabinet and grabbed the first thing he could find... a bottle of Ny-Quill. He hurled it at the casket...

And the coffin stopped.

[dingdonglulu]

Took me awhile to decide which joke to post, but this one made me laugh the hardest, even though my darling hubby sent it to me.

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry.

She told him, "tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds, AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning Bob got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window, and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

[slacker12353]

so...how will we get the prize... the one about the doberman is sooo funny
3 friends from california decided to take a trip to hawaii. During their pleasant cruise, a large storm hit and the three of them were stranded on the island. They were the only survivors.
While looking around, one of them found a lamp on the ground. "Hey!" he excalimed, "Come look at this! It's like Aladdin's Lamp or something!" The other two came and one of them, Bob, rubbed it. A genie popped out and told them "Since you three were the first who freed me for 200 years, i will grant you 7 wishes. So 2 wishes each, and 1 extra one."
So Joe, who found the lamp, first said, "I wish i was a bird so i could fly back to california." Upon returning to california, he wished himself back into a human.
Bob then wished he was a fish, so he could swim back to the beach near his house in california. He also wished himself into a human upon arrival.
Dumbo, the last and third one said, "I, uh, wish i was a, uh, ..o barnacles! I forgo--" At that instant he was turned into a large barnacle. He then promptly wished himself back to human.
Due to the fact he forgot what he was going to turn into, he wished, "I'm getting kinda lonely. I wish Bob and Joe were here with me."
"WISH GRANTED!!" and with a poof the genie vanished along with the lamp.
Although Boob and Joe were eventually rescued, Dumbo was nowhere to be seen.....

[slacker12353]

oh sorry i meant bob D:
"Although Bob and Joe...."

[reddropdrop]

I stink at clean jokes but here it goes:

Q: Why was the baby strawberry so sad???

A: Because his parents were in a jam! *lol*

[dina]

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon." In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating (by Mr Welch himself): If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought"Car95" or "CarNT." But then you would have to buy more seats.
6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five per cent of the roads.
7. The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.
8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
9. The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off.
10. Occasionally, and for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grab hold of the radio antenna.
11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department.
12. Everytime GM introduced a new model car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
13. You'd press the "start" button to shut off the engine.

[ladymalika]

What about keeping this thread going after the contest is over? I'm having fun reading these jokes:D

[Rani]

ladymalika said:

What about keeping this thread going after the contest is over? I'm having fun reading these jokes:D

yeah, im enjoying it too

[blythedoll87]

here's my joke,

What kind of food turtle cannot eat?
think think think hard... hmmm

ans is fast food

[battybrawni]

A red head was driving thru the country side when she came upon a farmer herding some sheep across the road. She stopped the car, rolled down the window and asked the farmer,"If I can guess how many sheep you have, may I have one?"

The farmer thought about it for a moment then agreed. After a moment or so of squinting and scrutinizing, the woman guessed 147 wich was correct. The farmer let her have her pick of his flock and as she was getting it into her car he asked,"If I can guess what your real hair color is, may I have my animal back?" The woman decided that it was a strange request but agreed.

The farmer guessed the woman was actually a blonde.
"How did you know that?" she cried. To wich the farmer said,
"You're loading my dog in the car, Miss."

[superhero]

A blonde walked into a bar & looked for the bartender but he was nowhere to be found. she asked one of the customers 'where is the bartender?' the man replyed 'hes taking a dump.' the blond asked 'really? wheres he taking it too?'